Night # 101 to 105
It has been a while since my last entry.
Well, firstly, I got older, technically. I turned 32. I was actually looking forward to it. Can't exactly put my finger into it to explain why but perhaps it is the acceptance of many things in my life. Hubby asked why the difference in now as compared to when I turned 30 and 31. Do I now know where I am heading in life? Am I achieving what I seek to? The answer is still no to both. Yet, I sensed an inner peace of accepting it... and really so what? So what if I do not know where I am heading. Is that so bad that I should mop over it and groan that years have flown by and nothing much has changed? No. So what if I have not achieved what I seek? To begin with, what am I seeking? If I am not going to get an answer in that... what's the point in driving for some achievement that I am not even sure if that's what I want.
I know why I am contented at this age. For once, I feel that I am happy being me... being in my own skin. I am happy with how I look, how I feel... happy that I no longer have to spend the time and energy to please people whom I don't care about... happy that I no longer feel the pressure to pursue for things which ultimately are insignificant.
Back home, we are the ones who drove the pressure skyhigh. I am sure many of us do not see it that way. I mean, we are the very ones who lament about being stressful and having no time to pursue our own interests.. how can we be the ones who pushed up the stress level as well? We can't let go... So many of us just can't let go. It is like the game with 8 people with their thumbs supporting the hula hoop. We all want to lower it.. but subconsciously, we are the ones who kept it up and keep pushing it up.... cos, we were afraid to let go... we were afraid that we are the ones who are responsible for not making it... So it became a situation where, even though we see it as stupid and redundant, we will still do, otherwise we are perceived as the weakest link.
Maybe one day, one day I will miss that pressure... I will miss that competitiveness in life and I will feel brave enough to face it again... but I think it will be a situation where I may not be seen as relevant anymore?
Well, firstly, I got older, technically. I turned 32. I was actually looking forward to it. Can't exactly put my finger into it to explain why but perhaps it is the acceptance of many things in my life. Hubby asked why the difference in now as compared to when I turned 30 and 31. Do I now know where I am heading in life? Am I achieving what I seek to? The answer is still no to both. Yet, I sensed an inner peace of accepting it... and really so what? So what if I do not know where I am heading. Is that so bad that I should mop over it and groan that years have flown by and nothing much has changed? No. So what if I have not achieved what I seek? To begin with, what am I seeking? If I am not going to get an answer in that... what's the point in driving for some achievement that I am not even sure if that's what I want.
I know why I am contented at this age. For once, I feel that I am happy being me... being in my own skin. I am happy with how I look, how I feel... happy that I no longer have to spend the time and energy to please people whom I don't care about... happy that I no longer feel the pressure to pursue for things which ultimately are insignificant.
Back home, we are the ones who drove the pressure skyhigh. I am sure many of us do not see it that way. I mean, we are the very ones who lament about being stressful and having no time to pursue our own interests.. how can we be the ones who pushed up the stress level as well? We can't let go... So many of us just can't let go. It is like the game with 8 people with their thumbs supporting the hula hoop. We all want to lower it.. but subconsciously, we are the ones who kept it up and keep pushing it up.... cos, we were afraid to let go... we were afraid that we are the ones who are responsible for not making it... So it became a situation where, even though we see it as stupid and redundant, we will still do, otherwise we are perceived as the weakest link.
Maybe one day, one day I will miss that pressure... I will miss that competitiveness in life and I will feel brave enough to face it again... but I think it will be a situation where I may not be seen as relevant anymore?
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